Wow, it’s been longer than I thought. I think about stopping here and writing something. But then I don’t. I find something else, or someone else calling my name. I look for a reason to leave.
This is a year for growth I suspect. I’m looking around and looking within. Just trying to make sense of it all. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to change, so much I want to be. But what does God have for me? Where is He leading? I’m feeling called to reflect on all that I have, all that I am.
This is not easy. It is not comfortable. And I’m not good at shining a light in the dark corners of myself. I like to look put together. I’ll make you laugh, at me or with me. Either is fine. Just so long as I look like it’s all put together.
I have felt more myself here in SmallTown than I did as an adult in HomeTown. I came here without baggage. No one knew me and that was liberating. The friends I’ve made here are good and I enjoy them. Recently though I get the idea that they don’t really see me. When I tell a funny story of a failed kitchen endeavor it is met with a laugh and “oh, so you can’t do everything perfectly?” While I know they mean no harm, it is hurtful. I wonder where they began thinking I could do it all. I thought I had been more transparent here. Maybe not.
And so began my quest for 2009 to make some changes. I break all the “goal setting” rules. I don’t have a larger goal broken down into measurable steps…in fact I have no real goal written down. I’m not that far along yet. Right now I am working on looking and listening. I’m working on listening, and really hearing…looking and really seeing.
I have single words that come to me at odd times. Words that sound so good. Relax. Smile. Simplify. Focus. Enjoy. Breathe. And the sweetest of them: Grace.
I don’t know where this is going… I just feel the need to be honest and open. To let you see me and not hide behind all the tips and hints I have that work for me and make me look like I am all put together. I’ve certainly learned some things over the years that I’d like to share. It just needs to be clear that there is a lot of mess left to figure out too…so I’ll take all the hints and tips I can get. And grace…I need grace.
Thank you for stopping by, I hope you’ll come back to see what else I have to say…I don’t plan to stay away so long next time.