What’s Happening Here?

Wow, it’s been longer than I thought.  I think about stopping here and writing something.  But then I don’t.  I find something else, or someone else calling my name.  I look for a reason to leave.

This is a year for growth I suspect.  I’m looking around and looking within.  Just trying to make sense of it all.  There is so much I want to do, so much I want to change, so much I want to be.  But what does God have for me?  Where is He leading?  I’m feeling called to reflect on all that I have, all that I am.

This is not easy.  It is not comfortable.  And I’m not good at shining a light in the dark corners of myself.  I like to look put together.  I’ll make you laugh, at me or with me.  Either is fine.  Just so long as I look like it’s all put together.

I have felt more myself here in SmallTown than I did as an adult in HomeTown.  I came here without baggage.  No one knew me and that was liberating.  The friends I’ve made here are good and I enjoy them.  Recently though I get the idea that they don’t really see me.  When I tell a funny story of a failed kitchen endeavor it is met with a laugh and “oh, so you can’t do everything perfectly?”  While I know they mean no harm, it is hurtful.  I wonder where they began thinking I could do it all.   I thought I had been more transparent here.  Maybe not.

And so began my quest for 2009 to make some changes.  I break all the “goal setting” rules.  I don’t have a larger goal broken down into measurable steps…in fact I have no real goal written down.  I’m not that far along yet.  Right now I am working on looking and listening.  I’m working on listening, and really hearing…looking and really seeing.

I have single words that come to me at odd times.  Words that sound so good.  Relax.  Smile.  Simplify.  Focus.  Enjoy.  Breathe.   And the sweetest of them: Grace.

I don’t know where this is going…  I just feel the need to be honest and open.  To let you see me and not hide behind all the tips and hints I have that work for me and make me look like I am all put together.  I’ve certainly learned some things over the years that I’d like to share.  It just needs to be clear that there is a lot of mess left to figure out too…so I’ll take all the hints and tips I can get.  And grace…I need grace.

Thank you for stopping by, I hope you’ll come back to see what else I have to say…I don’t plan to stay away so long next time.


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